So we were driving down the highway one night not too long ago when I saw a pickup truck in front of me come to a stop all of the sudden and so I swerve around him and looking back in my mirror I see a deer about a hundred yards back lying flat on its back with all fours sticking right up in the sky like big stalks of ripe corn. I get the idea to turn around and so about a few miles up ahead I find the roundabout and make my way back to check up on the driver to see if he is alright. And it turns out that he is doing just fine because you know he has a big truck and all and the deer just went right over the hood and did a full spin in the sky and landed down on his back. I look around for the deer and it is not there and so I ask the guy where the deer is. And he told me that it ran off the highway into the cornfield. And so I look at the guy next to me and give him that sort of look like I want to get that deer and he looks back and me and knows that I am thinking. And so I ask him if he wants to go get it. And asks me what I got. And I tell him that I got a little three-inch pocketknife which is no good since he was a big buck. Probably about two hundred pounds or more I guess. So I ask him what he got. And he tells me that all he has is a little ball pein hammer. And so I tell him that I got a big old plastic bag in the back of my trunk that he can use to wrap it. The sort that come wrapped around a mattress. And so out we go into the cornfield thinking we are going to get this fella. And sure enough we find him limping along slowly a mile or so up into the field with the corn all smashed up behind him. But he is a big buck. You know? And we had better be careful. So we circle around him slowly. And he has got his front left leg and his back right leg all busted up and he is going along real slow with his tongue hanging out making the sound of a hundred hurting dogs with a low holler and we were kinda scared at first but we kept at him hoping that he would eventually tire out. And we could see that he was getting tired. So I circled around him and looked him in the eye. And he looked back at me. Big horns. Big buck horns looking right at me. But he could not move so I was sure that a big knock on his forehead with the ball pein hammer would knock the fella right out and sure enough I take a big swing at him and down he goes and then I take out my little three-inch pocketknife and open the pipes. The windpipes that is. And they let out a big sigh. Sounded like a breath of fresh air leaving him. And there is blood everywhere. Oh yes there was. All covering the corn beneath us. And we try and clean him up a bit before breaking the legs and getting him in that big bag. And once he is in there we drag him back to the car. I was driving my little car. Hard to fit him in there. I did not know if we could do it. But we drag and drag him for a while and it takes two of us you know but we do it and we get there and once we have him by the side of the road we agree to split him up evenly. I take half and he takes the other half. A lot of meat you know. Easy kill. Free meat. I was not going to pass that up. Now it is just myself in the car and so I figure I put the head in the front seat and weave the body and legs through the back of the car with the rear seats down kind of like a big plank of wood. And boy is he hard to get in there. He is not light. But we do it. And on the way home I stop through the drive-through to get myself a coffee and the lady looks in and she can see what I got in the seat next to me and I glance over and there he is all tired out. Pipes all dripping. Tongue out. Head down. And I feel sorry for him. What a day. Glad we put him out of his misery. But what an awful sight to see. I look back over and grab my coffee. “Thank you, have a nice day,” I say. And I am off on my way. I have meat for months I tell you. Life is good. Oh. And to get back to my main point. That is why you should always carry a big old mattress bag in the back of your car because you never know what you will find on the side of the road.
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